Facing your death

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By John DeVries | February 7, 2008

I worked on an ambulance as an Emergency Medical Technician for a little over 3 years. I chose this type of work during college for a number of reasons. Initially, I wanted to be a police officer, so gaining experience dealing with emergencies seemed like a logical stepping stone. Secondly, I figured working on an ambulance would be enlightening. It was. And lastly, I hoped it would be a job which would develop my maturity and also more adequately compensate me, monetarily, than most work held by college students. It did.

But, it most certainly had a downside. Every day (or at least every week) I was faced with the harsh realization that one day, I was indeed going to die. There just plain wasn’t any way around it. Whether it was an accident, a terminal illness, a regular patient with degrading health, or even just being in a nursing home, I was faced with and reminded of death often. Unfortunately this had a very negative effect on me. I thought about dying - a lot.

Over time I simply came to the conclusion that a constant obsession with death was extremely unhealthy for me. Not everyone in the emergency medical profession has this problem. Some of my coworkers were paramedics for 15+ years and never thought twice about it, nor did they care to. I salute them. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people. Not only was I constantly frustrated by the reality that I couldn’t ease or remove the suffering of so many people, I was sick of incessantly contemplating my own certain suffering that would indeed come with old age (maybe even before).

Sometimes at night I would lie in bed just trying to contemplate the reality that I was actually going to die someday. When I succeeded and managed to comprehend the idea of not existing as John DeVries, it was terrifying. You can probably imagine.

Whether this is a problem that plagues you or not, I’m delighted to be able to share a solution with you. I’m not fearless. I’m still at least somewhat afraid of dying. But I can honestly say I rarely think about it and I become more comfortable with the idea by the day.

Acceptance

Step one is acceptance. But be careful, you need a healthy acceptance. Focusing on your ultimate doom so intently that it paralyzes you with fear is totally pointless. Conversely, ignoring the fact that you are mortal and going about your life in whatever way you see fit, ignorant of your certain demise is just plain stupid. There was a great pie chart in one of my National Geographic Magazines a while back that more or less stated the following (I’m paraphrasing):

“Ratio of people who have lived on earth to those who have died on earth 1:1″

Below this was a chart of all the ways people pass from this life to the next. It was actually quite fascinating for me, but not much of a surprise. In light of both my practical experience and first-hand knowledge in this area though, let me make a simple suggestion to you.

If you wish to live long or longer, take care of your heart. Eventually we all die. However, if you abuse your heart your death is likely to occur much sooner than the rest of us. I don’t need to spit statistics out at you. Google “Cardiac Disease” and save me some time. If that doesn’t convince you to find a way to make exercise, dietary, emotional, and mental changes to your existence and your body, then you had better find something that does motivate you.

Anyway…

You’re going to die. I’m sorry; it sucks (though not everyone thinks so). Accept it. There’s really nothing else to contemplate regarding it.

What you must contemplate

I don’t know a lot about dying. To my conscious knowledge I’ve never done it. I’ve watched a number of people die. But I can’t say I know what it’s like. It looks painful, but to that end I have another short point.

If you fear death because it will involve pain, I would encourage you to reconsider. Once again, I cannot claim fearlessness. But, I assume you do not remember your birth, one of the most painful experiences of your life. To that end, I can safely say you will probably not remember your death. Thus, no matter what the circumstances surrounding your body’s end, your inability to recall its occurrence will basically render it painless. Moving on.

Perhaps I’ve lived unlimited lives before this, and perhaps I will live an infinite amount more after. Or, this could be my only one. You may think you know what happens when you die, but you really don’t. You don’t know something until you’ve understood it, and you can’t truly understand a thing until you’ve experienced it. I’m not going to get into a religious debate. If you think heaven is your next destination that’s great, I believe you could very well be right. If you think nothing happens after you die, I suppose that is totally possible as well. But since neither of us has experienced it yet, let’s just bypass the pointless question of: “What happens when you die?” It’s irrelevant mostly because it’s unanswerable.

I have a much more important question for you.

What shall you do with your life?

There are two things about death I do know for certain.

1. You can’t take any of your stuff with you.
2. It means your time is the one finite resource you can never get more of. You can earn more money, make more friends, get another job, eat more food, or buy another house. But each and every second of your life that passes is in essence your last. Let me clarify.

Don’t wait for some terminal illness to fall upon you before you grasp this reality. If the doctor says, “you only have 6 months to live” that doesn’t help you. You will have already spent the majority of your life doing whatever it is you do. 6 months, while valuable, doesn’t say much about whom or what you’ve become.

Get it now. Think of it, there’s a clock running right now with a certain amount of seconds, minutes, hours, and days. When it’s up, you’re done. Sorta brings an urgency to your time doesn’t it?

I say that each second is your last because philosophically it is. Think of it this way.

If you’re dreading giving a speech it doesn’t much matter if its 20 minutes away or 20 days away. Ultimately, speech time will be upon you whether you like it or not. So the difference, in terms of your dread (or in our case your life), is really a matter of having 20 minutes to prepare or 20 days. Either way, it will be here. So the difference really is not empirical. Ultimately then, the only difference between you dying tomorrow night, and 65 years from now is not a certain amount of time, but rather the cumulative collection of all that you’ve done between now and then.

What then should I do?

We’ve already discussed the fact that you can’t take your stuff with you. So, let me make yet another vital point.

Quit obsessing about…

- The stuff you own or want to buy
- The relationship you have, want, or need
- Your clothes
- How you look
- Your career possibilities
- What other people think about you
- Your bank account
- Your debt
- When “Friends” is on

It doesn’t matter. I’m not suggesting you become some possession-less hippy. Keep your house, keep your spouse, and enjoy your stuff. It’s ok.

But understand reality. The only things that you can plausibly take with you upon your death are your actions and the impression you left on the world. In Christianity that’s your soul, In Buddhism it’s your Karma, if you’re an Atheist that’s the legacy you leave on Earth. In general though, human beings throughout history (with and without collaboration) have pretty much agreed that something goes with you, and it’s not material. It’s what you did or didn’t do.

In essence we’re talking about your soul. Once, again this could be something different depending on your beliefs. For now, just bare with me.

I can’t prove to you that you have a soul, that your actions matter, or that you can’t actually take your 60″ High Def. TV with you once you die. So I won’t try. But the idea of a “soul” as it were, is fairly consistent across societies and cultures world-wide, both at the present and throughout history. And if I kill you and take your TV, I’m pretty sure you’ll be without it.

If your soul, consciousness, Karma, and deeds then are the only things which last beyond your life’s span, it makes a whole lot of both logical and intuitive sense to spend some time developing this part of yourself.

Steve Pavlina says looking at your life from as many different perspectives as possible is likely to give you the best conclusions and answers about how you should live. He’s got a podcast on this called Raising Awareness Through Multiple Perspectives.

Steve basically suggests that you should consider your life from many different perspectives. What would God say about your life, Gandhi, your spouse, your future self, your present self, a billionaire, someone who is dead, even a rock?

When I practice this method and look at my own life, it becomes increasingly obvious that spending my time doing my absolute best work in the service of other people is probably the only thing worth doing while I’m here on earth. I see that loving people as perfectly and completely as I’m capable of simply must be the best thing I can do with my time and energy, and the only thing I will be satisfied with upon my death. You may not come to the exact same conclusion when you do this exercise. In fact, I am relatively certain you won’t. That’s good.

What your values are and what specific gifts you have to offer the world I don’t know. I do know that you have them and that you deserve to be giving them. And just as importantly, other people deserve to be receiving the best of you.

What do you want to say to yourself while you lay in your hospital bed during the final moments of your life?

“I sure did enjoy that TV, I tried to care about people, and I was mostly good I guess. Maybe I could have done better.”

“I did everything within my power to treat other people with love and compassion. I wasn’t a perfect person, but I have no regrets. I am ready to die.”

A little change isn’t enough. Be honest with yourself, what does your life amount to? I can’t tell you what changes you may have to make. But I do know you have something to give to the world, I know it’s your best, and I know it involves the love of your fellow humans. Don’t settle for a mediocre, self-serving life. You’re capable of so much more, and you can be so much happier.

Don’t sacrifice yourself. Do what you would actually love to do with your life, and do it in true service to others.

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