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Living from the inside out
By John DeVries | February 24, 2008
Western culture places an excessive amount of emphasis on the external aspects of life. Most people go through their lives measuring its success by what they obtain. Whether those things are possessions, relationships, power, or experiences, the blind pursuit of them will always lead to unhappiness and the longing for more. It seems we’ve been convinced in our culture that the point of our existence is to get as much as we can, and once we have it all, try and get a little more.
Most of us very much live from the outside in. We let out surroundings, relationships, jobs, careers, and education tell us who we are and what we will do in life. Unfortunately, this is a bit of a hamster wheel paradigm, often resulting in confusion, depression, anxiety, and what is largely an irresponsible life. At a minimum, living this way is bound to eventually leave you dissatisfied.
Try “inside out” instead
What do you want out of life?
Don’t misunderstand me, it’s not wrong for the answer to include things like: A house, kids, a partner, money, a fulfilling career, happiness, etc…
In fact, I hope that your dreams and aspirations do indeed include those things. I know mine do! But wouldn’t you agree that the majority of folks aren’t satisfied with their results in at least one, often many, or perhaps all of these areas? Maybe this is you. I think the mechanism largely responsible for your possible lack of success in any of these areas is that you’ve been doing what you’ve been taught. You’ve been pursuing your dreams with the “outside in” paradigm, instead of working life from the “inside out”.
The “outside in” paradigm
With this life model, the best way to get anything you need or want is to go after it. Want a candy bar? Stop at a gas station and buy one. Are you unhappy with your job? Pursue a new career, go back to school, or start applying for jobs. Looking for a new relationship? Starting asking people out on dates and try to meet new people.
This model isn’t completely faulty, action is one of the primary methods you can use to get what you want. It makes perfect sense to most people and that’s why it’s easy to buy into. It’s the, “Do ‘A’ and consequently get ‘B’ ” paradigm. I think it’s the most common way people pursue what they want because it’s both intuitive and it’s also, seemingly, the easiest way of doing things. Unfortunately, it rarely yields lasting results.
The problem with the “outside in” model is that it never bothers to correct any problems, errors in thinking, poor behavior, or inaccurate beliefs. So if there’s an underlying reason you don’t like your job, can’t get along in your relationships, don’t have a fulfilling career, or are unhappy with your life, “outside in” won’t sort it out. So, as you move to change things in your circumstances to make what seem like positive differences, your problems stay with you. And eventually, nothing really changes. Things look this year very much like they did both last year, and the year before (perhaps worse).
Why does this happen?
This is one of the most difficult things for many people to hear: You are responsible for your life, your decisions, your thoughts, your behaviors, and all of the things that come to pass as a result. And as long as you don’t take ownership and responsibility for yourself in its entirety, your life will remain much as it has in the past.
The “outside in” paradigm says: Other people and unexpected events are the cause of my unhappiness and misfortune. I am not responsible; I already am doing everything I can.
The “inside out” paradigm says: Though I may not be able to control everything that comes into my reality, I have ultimate power over my life because I have the power of free will. I can choose any thought, feeling and action. I can make decisions, I can learn from past mistakes, and I have the “freedom to choose” in any situation. Ultimately, I am responsible for who I become, and who I become ultimately will dictate what is in my life.
It’s easy to reject the “inside out” model because it is extremely humbling. It’s hard to admit that the reason things haven’t worked out the way you wanted is a direct result of your own doing. It’s harder still to admit that in order to see lasting changes in your life, you’ve got to do the hard work of taking a deep long look into yourself. Then, as if that wasn’t enough. You have to apply consistent effort to become a better, healthier, happier, more balanced human being. Most people reject this model because it doesn’t seem quite as intuitive as the “outside in” approach. They also would rather not wait for the things they want.
Changing who you are often takes months, years, or even decades. Whereas taking immediate action for something can give you results in weeks, days, hours, or even minutes.
You see this all the time…
- Starting relationships before truly being ready
- Moving across the country to escape problems
- Starting a new fad diet to lose weight
- Diving head first into commitments one might not be prepared for, etc…
Live from the inside out
It’s fairly simple actually, but it’s a concept most people never grasp. If you want to see real and lasting changes in the circumstances and experiences surrounding your life, first change who you are. Change what you think about, how you feel, your core beliefs, and understand yourself as completely as possible. Be the person you most want to be and you then will see the world change around you.
Practical applications:
Finding the career of your dreams
- Outside in -
Try working lots of different jobs
Ask people who know you well what they think you should do
Switch majors 3 or more times in college
Graduate and get a job, only to find it doesn’t quite fit
End up in a field totally different than you planned
Settle for work less than COMPLETELY satisfying because it pays the bills and you can at least tolerate it
Stay there because you’ve got 15 years in and it’s too late to quit
- Inside out -
Stop.
Consider your core beliefs
Think about who you want to be
Discover your talents, strengths and values
Test yourself - go on a journey of self discovery: e.g., The Peace Core, the military, moving across country, backpacking, meditation, etc…
Discover your life purpose
Decide what the best parts of you are and figure out a way to give them to the world
Take a few jobs or internships in places where you think you’ll be able to express the best parts of you
Get educated with or without schooln’
End up in a job and career that is 100% you
Finding the right relationship:
- Outside in -
Date lots of people.
Date one person, afraid to move on
Hope the right one is out there
Move from one relationship to the next
Get married because you’ve been together for awhile, why not?
- Inside out -
Consider who you are
Consider what kind of person you are looking for
Decide what attributes are a must and what ones are deal breakers
Never stay in a relationship after it has died
Be proud, confident, strong and complete so you can give the best parts of you to someone else
Join with another person not simply out of selfishness, but because the two of you can do so much more for the world than you ever could alone
Getting in shape
- Outside in -
Try a new diet
Join a gym and try to go more
Ask other people what they did to lose weight
Wish you could look better because then you would feel better
- Inside out -
Decide what it is that would actually motivate you to get in shape
Let your external health become an expression of your internal health
Determine what change you need to make in your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes towards fitness
Re-organize your priorities
Hire a personal trainer to keep you on track
Keep promises to yourself
Believe you can succeed and never give up
Now which of those methods above do you think would be more successful? I can tell you from personal experience that “Inside out” works better every time. This doesn’t mean you never have to take action again, it simply means you first take action to change yourself. Once you do that, the changes that need to occur on the outside will be simple, obvious and will occur rapidly.
Don’t buy into the belief that what you want is instant and that you can have anything if you just go out there and get it. You can have ANYTHING you want, but you have to do the hard work that elicits real change if you want the results to last. It’s not easy, it’s definitely the hard road and it will take much longer to use the “Inside out” approach than the “Outside in”. But I’m sure you would rather spend a few years investing in yourself and then enjoying the life you created than you would running around in circles for decades on end.
Topics: Change, Courage, General, Growth, Life, Live better, Perseverance, Solve problems |
March 14th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Doing it Differently Blog Carnival, 17th Edition…
Another edition of the Doing it Differently blog carnival is packed with ways to get things done outside of the norm!
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